White Kids at Costco

I have relished movement as I am able to do more and more these days.  One day, not so long ago, I was walking to my car from Costco.  I was almost at my car when a wave of white children ran up to me.  They started handing me self drawn pictures.  I have to admit I was so taken aback by their gesture.  There were a lot of them, small and not so small.  They were friendly and nice.  They were talking to me.  At some point I looked around to see in what direction had these kids emerged.  Was this some sort of on candid camera moment?

One stepped forward and offered to draw me his very own picture.  As a staunch believer in encouraging and affirming kids, I said yes.  I realized very shortly after I had said yes I really should have said no.  But I had said yes and was held captive to something beautiful.  The kid began to draw me.  By now I saw a white woman who appeared to be the mother of all these children. She was unpacking or rather organizing all her goods in the back of the van.  I could see this was taking some real mental energy.  She never even looked my way or the kids.

By this time some of the kids including the baby in the car seat were in the commercial van parked next to mine but that did not stop them from looking intently at their brother’s art project.  There remained two kids beside their brother.  They were assistants because they would mention and point out things on me he had overlooked.  He was working so hard at drawing this picture for me.  He apologized for holding me up a few times.  Even my son, taken aback, said Mom they are nice.  I felt special.

On a hot summer day, 8 kids, who appeared to have been at an all-day Black Lives Matter rally approached me.  Out of a whole parking lot they picked me with my brown skin and nappy hair which was not a far cry from their sister with locks.  They greeted me nicely and engaged me in wonderful conversation.  Their openness and kindness alarmed me at first but I was able to quickly adjust.  I am now ranking it among on of the top 5 oddest experiences I have had which says something about race in America.  And yet it was the most refreshing and hopeful.  I know we have a lot of water under the bridge.  I know our history is awful.  I know as country we are more divided than ever.  But 8 white kids reminded me of what is possible when we keep our hearts open to one another.


We Can: It’s Just A Ride

I am at Universal Studios.  For anyone that knows me this is peculiar.  Amusement parks on this caliber are not really my thing.  It wreaks of capitalism and I can think of 1,000 reasons I should not be in this park but I am here which makes my 1,000 points less valid.  I am at Universal Studios for two reasons.  One because my partner drags me to these things.  And two, because of the experience.  There is absolutely no place like the #1 theme park, Universal Studios.  The ride is almost worth the wait.  You senses are engaged.  You are captivated.  You are transported.  You forget about your life as it is.  They know how to do a ride.  It’s a different world.

But even beyond the creativity of this theme park, what I really most like are the rides.  Even after all of the creativity, I like a ride that gets my adrenalin going.  I’m not sure why.  I get in the line.  Once in the line I watch people on the ride screaming.  I  watch how fast the ride is going so I can get more scared.  I ponder my choices.  I do more waiting.  Once strapped in I accept there is no turning back.  I accept that I must now face the doom of my choice.  I look around and I try to hold on for dear life to the objects they have given me as I’m tossed up, down, around and upside down at insane speeds.  And then the ride is over and I get off.  And that is it.  Occasionally, I get some bragging rights because my partner almost always chickens out on these rides.  As I am maturing I wonder when I will stop but then I go again and again and again.

I had a lot of thoughts on this trip but one I want to share here – the real adrenalin pumping rides remind me that I can and you can and we can.  I  know this is an odd strand of thought but it is how my brain works.  I watch some people, maybe  certain people in certain groups who have a disposition to be afraid because of the ride but that is all it is.  I want to say to people who are not as confident of themselves or their skills much of life is a ride.  At times our adrenalin gets involved…but it’s no reason not to get on the ride.  Please know that you can…you can do whatever is out there that you have been afraid to do.  We can do so much more but we have to first be willing to strap in, accept and get beyond the ride.


Somebody Died Today

Somebody died today. Actually some bodies died today. And I know we all know that. During this season of Lent, I am doing a bible study on death. Well even though we are journeying with Jesus to death, it’s more about our own death. Because even though it was some body else’s last day, ours is coming. And each day we live we get closer. And though this sounds like a sad blog I don’t think it is or maybe it will be. But I hope you will read on.

I got the news that someone I knew died on yesterday. Okay it was really sad. But why was it sad. Is death always sad? A lot of times it is has been my experience. He was a nice guy. He had made some wrong turns but what’s really important is he turned his life around and tried to do good. He always had a smile. He always had something positive to say. And he cared about others deeply. I liked him. And when I last saw him I certainly did not know it would be the last time. And that’s eery. It’s sad that his family has lost a really nice guy and it was unexpected.

Somebody died today. I know some bodies die everyday. And well yesterday I found out a former member died. Well it was a homicide and so that makes his death sad too. The details are sketchy but here is where I enter. He was beaten to death with a frying pan. Somebody didn’t like what he said and got in an argument. The person left and came back later. And there was more arguing. And then four young black people assaulted a white 62 year old male. They not only killed him but they tried to remove evidence. The bleached down his apartment where he had supposedly housed them. This former member suffered from mental illness. And then they bagged him and put him in the dumpster. It’s suspected he is in a landfill of garbage. The police did find evidence of blood. And well nobody, mentally ill or not, should be beaten to death by four people with a frying pan. And I’m sad about it.

Somebody will die tomorrow. It might be somebody I know or maybe I will not but my knowing them does not change the fact they died. But somebody died yesterday and two months ago that I knew. And even if they were not close, even with distance they were close enough for the ground I’m standing on to feel just a little bit different. They were here and now they are gone. I can’t remember all the ones who are gone and I’m still learning how to celebrate the ones that are here. There’s this delicate balance that comes with age only. Folks are dying and sometimes because of how they died or because of our relationship to them it touches us more deeply. Somebody died today and some bodies will die tomorrow and that is all.


Reclaiming Kindness

I’ve been told good help is not only hard to find but almost impossible as I attempt a year long journey on house repairs.  Right now I’m trying to get a wall painted that was damaged by water from a roof leak.  The wall has been in it’s present condition for two years but I’m not complaining.  I finally found someone who wanted to repair the damaged part of the roof and not the whole roof. That took two years as I fought with insurance agents and roofing companies on what really needed to be done to the roof.  Finally we have moved beyond and there is not longer a risk of a leak.

I was so excited I jumped right into the paint job.  The first guy must have summed me up to be a fool when he quoted 2,000 for one room.  I think people should be paid what they asked for as entrepreneurs in the free world.  So I told him thanks for his time and that I would have to get back to him shortly all the while I was cursing him out under my breath.  I then went to the sea of friends and found other resources.  Because it’s my money and I too have the right to decide how much I want to pay.  The next runner up gave me a quote that was over 50% cheaper and brought a smile to my face.  We had a deal.

My painter has stood me up two times.  I mean he responded and shared some situations had come up.  The second time he stood at my door as he explained.  And honestly I saw a genuine person not talking no bull shit.  I actually developed concern as he relayed to me what had come up.  I was a little disappointed but totally understanding.  My wall wasn’t going to get worked on that day but he had a situation that could affect his livelihood.  I get it.  There are real things happening to folks in life and we need to be more generous and kind to one another.  It will come back I promise.

Honestly, I felt good about extending kindness.  By the way, my potential painter looked really bad.  I think all of us could be more kind with one another.  So many are like tight rubber bands as they go through their day.  An it’s okay.  A smile.  A hug.  A pause.  Take time to notice a child.  Have a conversation with a stranger.  Like folks statuses on fb page.  Give out 10 compliments.  Pay for the person’s grocery behind you (if it’s under 5.00 right).  Laugh at a joke that’s not funny.  Look at the lines in an elderly person’s face.  Spend quality time with someone.  Take a different route home.  Play a game with your family.  Hug someone for a long time until they let you go.  Write a letter and mail it.  Shovel your neighbor’s sidewalk.  Hold the door open for the person behind you.  I think you get my point.  Reclaim kindness.





Breastfeeding in Public: The Work Is Not On Us

Back in my early days of social work, I had one mother who was working hard to retain custody of her kids.  She had four kids and had been financially sustained by a drug dealer/lover.  He died and so did her source of income.  The home he brought for them caught on fire and was condemned.  Having no place to go she went back to the condemned building and started living there with her children.  When they were discovered, the kids were instantly removed due to the their physical condition.  At first mom was resistant to DCFS system but then she had an epiphany.  She started complying and it became obvious she was going to be one of the few parents to get her kids back.

During the process of getting her kids back she got pregnant with another child.  We were in court one day when the baby got hungry.  She whipped out her breast and began feeding the baby.  At first I was a little surprised she pulled it out in public but upon further reflection though how else could she get it out.  It’s not easy working with the breast and a crying hungry child.  After she got the baby on her breast and a constant flow was coming out she put a blanket over it’s head.  The baby wanted none of that and would push the blanket off.  I realized the baby wanted to see what was going on and did not like being hidden/covered.  It was a private situation in a public context.

As I aforementioned, I was a little awkward with seeing my client’s breast.  I reflected on my own awkwardness and it was mine.  This mother had chosen to breastfeed, which is the healthiest milk to give to a baby I believe.  She was being attentive to child #5 while trying to regain custody of her other four children.  She was providing not only nourishment but being nurturing.  She didn’t have a problem.  And if I felt a little bit uncomfortable it was my issue and my problem to deal with on my own time.

Recently there seems to be some energy around mother’s breastfeeding in public.  I am shocked that a woman’s breast is garnishing this much conversation.  But then I realize it’s just another form of sexism in European countries as we understand it is mostly men who are having the problem.  It’s not much difference than our obsession with the hijab.  This is bothering me, as I just finished watching a man humiliate a mother on a subway for breastfeeding her child.  While the commuters came to her defense, I could see her getting visibly upset, and furthermore, no woman should have to deal with such badgering.

So I have a response for upset men (and women) who have a problem with public breastfeeding.  The work is on women not to get pregnant.  If we get pregnant the work is on us to have the baby because to not have the baby is murder. The work is on us to raise the child.  And in heterosexual households if the man leaves his pretty young thing, we are now lowered into poverty and the work is on us to take a little and stretch it far.  The work is on us to teach and provide moral instruction.  The work is on us to nurture the baby.  The work is on us to feed the baby.  I probably missed a few.  So get this you need to work on your discomfort.  Work on your privilege.  Work on your compassion.  Work on your ignorance.  Work on your insecurity.  Work on making the world a more human place where breastfeeding mother can whip out their breast and feed the world.  With all that mothers do, can you do one thing, work on yourself.  And if none of that works, turn your head because that has got to be much easier than a woman undressing to get the breast out and maneuvering the hungry curious baby.  Work on you!




Living Outside the Box: Bowie & Lorraine & Bill

So my Cousin Lorraine’s husband died and I’m suppose to give her a call.  And I’m thinking about what to say.  And now the call is over and I’m thinking that wasn’t bad.  Cousin Lorraine sounded pretty upbeat.  And then I start doing what people often do when someone dies, remembering.  I don’t have a lot of experience with Cousin Lorraine so most of what I know is hearsay.  But I remember that Cousin Lorraine just got married at 70 years old after burying a few years before her mother at 90.  She rides her bike and swims frequently.  Bill did do even up until the last day.  Cousin Lorraine is pretty active and lived her whole life dancing between single and dating.  She has lived a full life.  So when at 70 news spreader she was getting married it sounded as odd as my play mom getting divorced at 80.  As odd as it sounds we think of 70 as too old and why.  But I had enough decency to never ask and so I can only imagine.  My cousin married Bill and they had over a decade together.  They lived life not by necessarily our standards.  And his family took in a 70 year old only child.  And my cousin is so happy.  She had over 10 good years that probably knocked love out of the ball field.  And I believe it was worth it.

I am reminded of another two people who had such chemistry.  One was my worker and another worker in another department.  She was black and he was white.  They would talk non stop.  There was a flow with them.  But she believed in dating only black men.  I can’t knock it… but one day the supervisors mentioned the obvious connection.  I’m not saying they should have got together but noting the obstacle that stopped any chance of them together.  A few years ago I was saddened when I got the call that she had died after battling cancer. She did marry.  And she did have one child.  But again death brings memories and so I tried to remember.  And I remember two people who loved each other and had an inseparable bond.  That is all.

And Bowie who battled cancer and lost that one but won at life.  As he weaved in and out of relationships and music and creativity I realize I can’t even peg him which is as it should.   Others are trying and have tried to label him this or that and you shouldn’t try.  He was many things as he challenged, like Jaden Smith, our notion of sexual conformity.  And so no doubt he lived outside of the box.  And when someone lives outside of the box and we find it hard to label them it makes us uncomfortable instead of seeing it as opportunity to enrich one’s life.  His words and creativity, like all music and art, took us places we would dare not otherwise go.

I want to live my live outside of the box.  By that I mean my cousin chose to enter into something that obviously would draw eyes.  She chose to enter into something that was cloaked in visual mortality. But often what is good for us draws visual obstacles and those judgmental eyes, even sometime our own glaring eyes.  And I realize the quality of 10 years is pushing me to explore how I might more fully live my life authentically in ways that pleases God and me.  And I am grateful for my partner who gives a mean back massage when I most needed.  I am grateful for the observation of two precocious boys.  I am grateful for the laughter me and my mother stumbled upon more and more these days.  I am grateful for conversation after church with members that speaks to my heart more than the organized worship.    I am grateful for family and friends who come to our home and/or invite me to their home. I am grateful for tea  shared with play moms.  I am grateful for nourishing memories of those who have transitioned over.  And I want even more nourishment for my soul as I learn how to live outside the box.


Hello from the Other Side: The Oregon Ranchers

So there are ranchers who have seized a federal building in Oregon as a stand off against the government’s control of the land.  This stand off was precipitated by the arrest and re-sentencing of Dwight and Steve Hammond who abused federal land.  The Oregon ranchers feels as though these two men were targeted by the government.  They had already gone to jail but a judge later ruled that the terms fell short of minimum sentences requiring them to serve about four more years.  These two individuals left for prison last Monday and they have expressed they want nothing to do with the stand off that is still going on.  So the people the Oregon ranchers say they are representing have said you do not represent us.  The community has said you do not represent us.  But they represent some bodies.

So it’s a land issue.  While the federal government owns about 24% of land in America the government owns a lot of land in Western states.  It owns 85% of Nevada, 66% of Utah, 62% of Idaho and Alaska and 53% of Oregon.  Environmentalist say that rancher’s mining, logging and ranching have run roughshod for decades on public land and left a legacy of pollution for taxpayers to clean up.  They have been known to break environmental laws and refuse to follow the rules.  However the ranchers feel like they need more land to manage their animals.  And they feel like the land should be managed locally and not by the government.  We are talking about a lot of land here.  The ranchers want to bring attention to their cause which they seem to have effectively done with the seizing of federal property.

As a minority in America, I am amazed that we have allowed a couple of dozen people with guns to reside on federal property with no physical force.  I understand that history yielded unfavorable results with a similar situation and so more precaution has been used this time.  I also understand that the ranchers feel like the government has singled them out and not been kind – restricting land usage, not renewing land usage contracts, raising fees for land usage, etc.  Their relationship has grown ever hostile with the government.  Like most of us they want to live their lives with some amount of autonomy and fair wages.  Their cattle is what financially sustains them and they are experiencing a blockage.  And if this is a land injustice for them should they not peacefully protest?  Is that not their right?  But taking over federal property I agree with locals who are sympathetic to their cause but not with how they went about it?  I think they have been inhaling their own rhetoric a bit too much.  But how do you get the government’s attention?  Well they certainly got mine.

I am trying to understand the Oregon ranchers because I want someone to understand what’s important to me.   And I realize in all of my efforts and reading I still have a ways to go.  And it strikes me as sad that we are so polarized as a country that getting to the other side seems almost impossible.  We really are strangers in the day.  It is out of that strangeness that the infamous rancher, Cliven Bundy, can say he wonders if black people were more happy with their whole families, under slavery than broken up now living on government subsidies.  For most black and liberals we feel nauseas immediately, but after the stench I recognize that the amount of travel I have done to understand the Oregon ranchers perhaps needs to be reciprocated.  The travel I have done to get to their side has not been reciprocated by the Oregon ranchers in understanding the land originally belonged to Native Americans.  I have listened to the Oregon ranchers because no one cries out simply to cry; generally we react because someone is stepping on our toes.  And for now I hear you from the other side.





Get the Hell Out: Professor Larycia Hawkins and Wheaton College

I initially support Professor Larycia Hawkins wearing the hijab as an act of solidarity with the Muslim community who has received a fair amount of discrimination.  As one who has observed discrimination against Muslims (not hard to do) I am glad for acts of kindness.  Like others I was quick to feel frustrated with Wheaton College for placing a black female tenured professor on leave for her beliefs.  I felt a disdain, not new, for a college that is so conservative in its views it does not allow for freedom and creativity counter cultural to their belief system.  I was right there with the liberals though I am not a liberal and feel it is important to distinguish.  The truth is Larycia had beat me to an act I’ve been wanting to do for years.  So I understand this hijab wearing as an act on the part of a Christian to be affirming of another religious group.

I have had a change of heart.  I still support Professor Hawkins act but I think she needs to resign from Wheaton.  Wheaton is not a secular school.  Wheaton is not a secular school with denominational affiliation.  Wheaton is not a progressive school.  What Wheaton is is a evangelical Christian school that believes in one God that is distinctly a Christian God.  And it is unashamedly committed to it’s own belief system.  There is one triune God who has no relationship with the Muslim God or any other religious group God.  And at the beginning of employment, employees are asked to sign on to this belief system.  They were and have been transparent about their belief system.  They raise money based on it.  Families send their kids based on it.  They have existed this long based on this belief system.  So where was Professor Hawkins head when she signed the document.  The school has not changed but maybe Professor Hawkins did and trying to stay somewhere that is not a good fit makes me question you.  The shoe is too small.

Professor Hawkings impresses me as someone who is open and inclusive.  She strikes me as someone who is conscious about sin as a societal act in the world.  She strikes me as one who believes justice work is a part of her vocation.  She is compassionate for others and that compassion is expressed in courageous acts.  I have much respect for her stance and her convictions.  But as far as it relates to Wheaton it’s time to get the hell out.  You don’t really believe as they do.  You cannot support their closed minded views of God and spirituality.  You signed the document but you have not upheld it.  You break bread with sinners on Halsted.  You want to say that Christians serve the same God as Muslims.  You have been brought in 3 others times because your statements and your life are not congruent with the religious beliefs of this institution.  Wheaton has one problem and it’s you.  It’s time for you to get the hell out and find another space that welcomes who you are.  You will be glad you did.


We Don’t Want You Either: A Letter to Not Black People

So here we go again.  Another miseducated black person, Lark Voorhies, who declares she’s not black.  The argument goes something like this, I am an American;  I wasn’t born in Africa so I’m not African.  At this point I want to send you for a week long stay with Lauryn Hill so that she can school you.  We’ve heard this a few times now from known celebrities who are able to cushion their ignorance with economic privilege.  They consider themselves enlightened but really they are rejecting their heritage.  Whether you go by Black Negro, or African American, really, they are all the same thing.  I’d rather not get too caught up in semantics right now.  What such folks are saying, in essence, is that they do not want to be black.  You don’t hear European Americans saying I wasn’t born in Europe so I’m not European.   It’s only African Americans who didn’t want to be African Americans in the first place that find idiosyncratic reasoning to distance themselves from their own skin.  We are so eager to claim our Indian ancestry and European ancestry with shame for our Kunte Kinte roots.

I take it personal when black people and in particular black celebrities say they are not African American.  This includes biracial individuals as well.  There is no group that celebrates your success more than the black community.  For example, when Gabrielle Douglas won the gold medal at the Olympics, black folks were cheering.  When the William sisters play tennis, no one is rooting for them more than the black community.  We didn’t even watch the game until they came on the scene.  The same for Tiger Woods.  We crave s/heroes to call our own.  And when you turn around and say I’m not African American it’s like you shit on those who love you most.  And that’s not cool.  It’s not right to treat your fan base shitty.  It’s not right to not appreciate the ones who show you major love and support for what you do.  Keep those insensitive comments to yourself and work out your internal stuff in therapy; you have the financial resources.

So I have a response for the African American celebrities who do not want to be African American.  If you don’t want to be black, know this, we don’t want you either.   But you must report to the nearest DMV and turn in your black state id and driver’s license.  And when you get in trouble, don’t look to the black community to support you.  Make sure you give all credit to the white race for your blunders and ignorance.  When you are down and out, don’t look our way because you are forever banned from our hospitality.  And when you get in a tight bind, don’t come running to us.  And when you think you deserve that award, that you got nominated for only, do not look to Essence, BET and other cultural sensitive institution to give you any awards on behalf of the black people that were rooting for you along.  And you must also return your shape, your athletic ability, your gift with words, your love for people, your laughter, and your intelligence back to us because these too are a part of your rich African American heritage.  It is your right not to be African American, though the police might still confuse you for one; and it is our God given right not to acknowledge you as an African American.  And remember this, we do not want you either.

(note:  I post this note with some hesitation because there are some rumors that the celebrity’s name mentioned above has mental health issues.  My intent is to focus on the issue and not a particular person).



Why is the Black Community in Denial about Bill Cosby?: The Other Ism

The black community is clear about racism.  We are clear that the road for Black in America has been stony.  We are clear that discrimination still exist.  We are clear that black men are being incarcerated at a higher rate than any other group.  We are clear about the lack of resources most often not available to us.  In the words of Jesse Jackson we are very clear that the playing field is not fair.  And so when our black men are attacked, true or not, such as O.J. Simpson, Clarence Thomas, and now Bill Cosby we are quick to defend them.  And good black heterosexual women who love our men like Jill Scott, Phylicia Rashad, and Whoopi Goldberg are ready to throw their bodies and voices out there in support.  There is only one minor problem, in looking at race we forgot about gender discrimination (i.e. sexism).  And since one cannot be passionate about two things at the same time, we stick by race without ever really having an honest conversation about gender.

I proudly watched every episode of the Bill Cosby Show, Good Times, The Jeffersons, and because my grandmother watched it, Sanford & Son.  I watched A Different World.  I loved the stuff and could not get enough of it.  I loved the Bill Cosby Show and Good Times because I thought they both portrayed the black family in loving relationships.  I love the gift of Dr. Huxtable.  Let me be clear Bill Cosby is talented and he offered a gift to us with his character Dr. Huxtable.  And the humor innate to black people was present in both sitcoms.  They tackled serious issues.  And nothing, or nobody or even the present situation can take away the value of that show.  The Bill Cosby Show was great for that time period.  And I still love the occasional clips on youtube that are shared on social media.  I loved that show.

However, our allegiance to race and black men has often caused us to  look over and be less diligent about class and gender and sexuality.  We are not betraying our allegiance by somehow recognizing the multiple ways in which individuals can be oppressed.  Some of us get an A in our understanding of racism but we flunk in sexism and heterosexism.  We flunk at understanding how women have been exploited by men (all races and ethnicities).  We flunk at understanding the power dynamics of male pastors, politicians, professionals, and pimps.  We flunk at understanding how we have domestic violence, rape, molestation, etc. in which women are overwhelmingly the victims.  We flunk at understanding why men do it, and continue with little consequences across the globe. We flunk at understanding that up until the last couple of decades laws around domestic violence and rape were like slaps on the hand.  We flunk at understanding when a woman comes out about her sexual experience the world is hostile and accusatory.

In my long memory bank, I will never forget the story of Cicely Tyson who was married to Miles Davis.  Cicely is 90 and has received numerous awards including the most recent Kennedy Center Honor.  She just finished up starring in a Broadway play.  When asked when will she retire she responds retired folks die so I will retire when God says so.  But decades ago she lived in a prison with her husband who beat the crap out of her.  She was playing slaves on the screen and enslaved in her home, full time oppression.  One time the police got called.  They came over and had a beer with Miles Davis.  They talked and joke and left Cicely in a violently turbulent home.  You can probably chance the names and the story is the same across America.  And Miles nor Ike nor Singleton got defamed for their assault on women and the black man’s reputation was left untarnished.  And the black community got to remain in denial.

We, as the black community, have to learn that our denial comes at a great cost.  Our denial continues to give permission to men that it’s okay to violate and victimize women.  Our denial communicates an unhealthy love ethics.  Our denial says R.J. Kelly keep writing your music.  Our denial gives the rap industry permission to relegate us as bitches as hoes instead of asking why the hell Drake is she not calling your cell phone.  Our denial lets Chris Brown keep making music without ever dealing with his internal issues.  Our denial allows Spike Lee to sell sex, as a revolution, in his most recent movie Chiraq because the thing we’re not talking about has the power to change our relationship with each other.  We are so much in denial that the trailer of Barbershop 3, where Nikki Minaj character informs us that her booty is like walking out with an Amex and she never gets denied, doesn’t even offend us.  And now we’ve confused holding Bill Cosby accountable with tarnishing his character the Bill Cosby show because we are denial and cannot hold in tension the targeting of black men with the sexual assault of women.